Lebanese Recipes: Beirut Street Cat Soup

INGREDIENTS 

1 Beirut Street Cat (small)

1kg Zaatar

25 years of THE WAR

A never ending text message conversation with a Lebanese girl

3 Wastas

1 Hezbollah T-shirt

The entire Fairuz back catalog on CD

More Zaatar. Much more.

INSTRUCTIONS

For the Beirut Beat Street Cat Soup we always use free range kittens, which are easy enough to source as they are ranging free all over the city. I usually pick a few up on my way back from Spinneys Supermarket. Just smother your fingers in anchovy oil and they practically jump into your arms. The fools.

To get started, sprinkle a bit of Zaatar in the pan and get the heat going. Pop on your Hezbollah T shirt and throw in a bit more Zaatar. Then add some Zaatar and we are ready to go.

After you have added a bit more Zaatar, you realise that your gas has run out. Time to call up one of your Wastas and get some delivered. Check your phone and realise you have 16 messages from a Lebanese girl who stands you up every time you arrange a date. Continue this pointless dialogue and add a bit more Zaatar.

Whilst kitty is bubbling away, play the Fairuz albums, skipping to the weird tracks where she is singing about how she went home with some guy to get a glass of water or some Zaatar and the guy turns off the lights in the room and she is really creeped out. The subtle melodies really give the Street Cat a misogynistic tenderness.

Fairuz: In the dark.

Check your phone and reply to one of the 78 text messages from the girl who will almost certainly stand you up again tonight. BUT SHIT! Her Dad has found out and is on his way over chop your meatballs off! Use your second Wasta to ensure you can still pee without a tube in the morning.

Add a bit more Zaatar and look out of your kitchen window at the bullet holes in the wall and remember THE WAR, THE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!

Bullet holes in Beirut: This is actually outside my house.

Check to see if your Street Cat is done,  invite the girl over to share the soup, get turned down because she is on a date with someone else. Call up your final Wasta and invite him over instead. Wastas love soup.

Tastes best served with a little sprinkle of Zaatar.

ENJOY!

(NB: NO BLOGGERS WERE HARMED MAKING THIS POST)

His name is Jean Paul Catre

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3 responses to “Lebanese Recipes: Beirut Street Cat Soup

  1. I am both terrified and entertained.

  2. Don’t worry Christina, Jean Paul Catre trained very hard for the role. He is a method actor, so he pretended to be soup for several weeks before he even got near the pan.

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