To celebrate and honour International Penis Art Week, the global festival of willy drawings that occurs once a year in my mind, Beirut Beat has prepared a short guide to introduce you to the culture of scrote scribbling. Here are a few designs to help you get to grips with this rising phenomenon.
To break you in gently we start this guide with a time honoured favourite, The Classic, also known as the Park Bench Willy. The beauty of this piece is its sheer simplicity, a minimal design of maximum visual thrust. A true artist can bash one of these little beauties out in one elegant stroke, never needing to look up and check if a policeman / teacher / your Mum is about to interrupt your handiwork.
Auction Price: £14,000
The Snow Cock
All great works of beauty are destined to fade. The finite character of natural aesthetics could be the defining element that inspires in people such awe and intrigue. The desperation to maintain transient charm is perhaps a futile attempt to defeat fate and a symbolic rebellion against our own inevitable demise. The soft petals of every pouting rose will one day wilt and fall, just as the glans of every snow penis will melt and be lost into a stratosphere that never fully acknowledged its presence.
Auction Price: Erm, you can’t buy snow.
The Cock Head
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, believed that the majority of human emotions and behaviour was driven by underlying sexual desires. Society, he said, had civilised man, yet beneath this veneer of altruism lay a dangerous beast desperate to be unsheathed. Freud also believed that women were essentially biologically castrated men, with anxieties relating to their absence of a flesh wand, although this was later proved to be bollocks.
Auction Price: Andy Carroll on loan for a season with the option to buy.
The Posh Cock
I found this on the BBC News site. The text deserves to be reproduced in full.
‘An 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60ft drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents’ £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he’ll have to scrub it off when he gets back from travelling.’
This piece superbly conveys the change in modern attitudes to sex, a reversal of roles in the pursuit of physicality played out in a satirical bathroom wall drama. The male is prepared, yet timid, threatened by the liberated female whose crab-like stance projects an air of authority and intent to take without needing to ask . In terms of leading the way in the modern world of penis art, this drawing is truly seminal.
Auction Price: £12 worth of Tesco Clubcard Vouchers
The Penis Morgan
Auction Price: $20 million.